Happy Birthday, Alan!

Ladies, gentlemen, and whoever left those shot glasses on the table in photo eleven — gather round. Today we celebrate a man of many talents, three secret careers, and at least one dog he does not technically own. This is the definitive, thoroughly unverified biography of Alan Macina.

Ornate art-nouveau wallpaper and a brass sconce, evoking an old law office

Chapter I

Alan Macina, Esq.

Few know that behind every one of Alan's legendary bar tabs sits a legally binding argument nobody remembers agreeing to. Rumor has it Alan once passed the bar exam of an actual bar, was handed a law degree by mistake at a costume party, and has been billing friends "consulting hours" ever since — payable strictly in tequila.

His office, pictured here in all its gilded, velvet-walled glory, is where Alan has successfully defended no fewer than fourteen ficus plants from unjust HOA violations, negotiated a permanent ceasefire between two rival golden retrievers, and once got a parking ticket dismissed purely by explaining the offside rule. Objection sustained. Case closed. Round of drinks ordered.

Alan at a marina full of boats, with a small dog and a friend

Chapter II

Il Gondoliere di San Diego

What the history books won't tell you: Alan spent one formative, water-logged summer training under the great gondolieri of Venice, where he mastered the ancient art of standing confidently near a boat he is not currently steering. The small dog seen here is not a pet — it is his official gondola apprentice and, by many accounts, a stricter navigator than Alan himself.

To this day, Alan can propel any vessel — canoe, paddleboard, inflatable flamingo — using nothing but a single oar, a striped shirt he swears is "at the cleaners," and the sheer force of a good sea shanty. Marinas across the county have quietly asked him to stop "narrating the tide."

Alan in yellow cycling jersey and helmet at the San Diego Velodrome

Alan mid-throw on a grassy field, training regimen

Chapter III

The 24 Hours of Adrenalin

This one's actually true, and it's still the most impressive thing in this entire website: Alan raced the San Diego Velodrome — twenty-four hours of banked concrete, blurred straightaways, and a jersey that says exactly what it needed to say. No made-up legend required here. Just a guy who decided "sleep" was optional and "lap seventy-two" was not.

Off the track, his cross-training regimen is rigorous and highly classified, involving a green cap, a disc, an open field, and what witnesses describe as "surprising follow-through." Alan Macina: part-time attorney, part-time gondolier, full-time menace to anyone who challenges him to a lap.

Through The Years (Mostly True)

Young Alan and a friend in a poster-covered dorm room — Circa the last century. Legend says that speaker in the corner never stopped playing the Beastie Boys, not even now.

Young Alan and two friends on a porch — The original firm: Macina & Associates, back when the only briefs being filed were the ones in the laundry.

Alan and a friend laughing at a red neon-lit bar — Closing arguments, happy hour edition. The jury (bartender) ruled in Alan's favor.

Alan and a friend toasting with craft beer glasses — Diplomatic summit between two nations: Team Dark Beer and Team "It's Basically Golden Iced Tea."

Colorful street mural reading THE TEMPLATE — Alan insists he did not commission this mural in his own honor. We remain unconvinced.

Alan and a friend under an orange umbrella — Emergency shade council convened. Motion to stay outside carried unanimously.

Alan and a friend in a red-lit dive bar booth with shot glasses — Exhibit A through F, arranged neatly on the table, all previously in Alan's possession.

Alan and three friends at a bar counter — The full board of directors, convened for their annual "no agenda whatsoever" meeting.

Alan and two friends at a table with agave photography on the wall — Sworn in under the agave portraits. Alan solemnly promised to tell the whole tequila, and nothing but the tequila.

Alan in his kitchen the morning after — Post-verdict press conference. No further comment was given.

To my brother —
hope you are enjoying every minute.
Happy Birthday.

Scott T. · 2026